Most of my drunks are good drunks. That is to say that I generally have a good time, don’t hurt myself or anyone else and usually remember most of the important details the next day. Now, as a general rule, the best drunks are spontaneous, and as such, it’s really hard to plan ahead. I learned to handle alcohol through years of experience as both a bartender and bar patron and from hanging around folks like Fred D, who never had a bad drunk in his entire life.
Some of this advice is going to be practical and some theory-based and completely subjective — based on my experience alone. Hopefully, it will be useful:
Bring a driver with you.
Really, it’s that simple. Remember, we are out for a good time. If we get popped for a DUI or whatever they call it now, it’s not a good time. If we wreck our car and hurt ourselves or somebody else, it’s really not a good time. Quite the opposite, actually. And it makes you an asshole. Really. It does. Finally, pregnant wives make great drivers, so tell your favorite drinking buddy to get busy.
Eat first.
Sometimes when I drink, I forget to eat. Let’s just say that having a little bit of food in your belly before you start drinking in earnest helps. You don’t want to overeat — who the hell wants to pound 12 or 18 beers on a full stomach? Maybe a half-dozen wings or a small appetizer plate would be the perfect warm-up for a dozen or so beers. Your mileage may vary.
Drink what you know (and know what you’re drinking).
Get to know your beer. I’m not saying you have to pick one label and never deviate, but it helps to be familiar with how your body responds to specific beverages. For example, I know that after eight or nine Miller Lites, I’m going to have to use the men’s room. I know that if I keep drinking, I should plan to use the bathroom every 45 minutes or so after that. I also know that after about four trips to the bathroom, I’m really drunk and that if I keep drinking, I need to rehydrate and start drinking big glasses of ice-water. Otherwise, the dehydration hangover is going to really suck. Similarly, if you’re into mixed drinks, watch the bartender mix your drink. You need to know how much rum is going into that rum and coke. If the bartender’s got a heavy hand, you need to adjust your drinking pace accordingly. Also, avoid draft beer — it will foul up your stomach.
Drink what you like.
Try to find a beer or wine or mixer that agrees with you and stick to it. The only times I’ve ever been sick after drinking were the result of mixing two or more different types of alcohol. I’m against shots, with very few exceptions. If I’m drinking beer, I stay with beer. If I’m drinking wine, I drink wine only. Sweet mixed drinks taste good, but they’ll make you sick. I used to love Seagram’s 7 and ginger ale. I still do, but I have to be very careful about counting how many I’ve had because they taste so good. This is part of the “not hurting yourself” bit.
Drink when you’re happy.
There’s a reason they call it “happy hour.” Drink to celebrate the little everyday victories (“I kicked ass at work today!” or “I’ve got beer money!”) . Drink to celebrate the good times (“I got a promotion! I fucking rule!” or “I won the fuckin’ lottery!”). Don’t drink to forget (“My wife left me.” or “I got canned from my shit job that I hated anyway.”) or in despair (“My team lost again.”). Alcohol, by and large, is going to intensify your mood. If you’re in a good mood, it’s going to be a good drunk. If you’re in a lousy mood, it’s going to be a lousy drunk. My theory is that once you get into the habit of walking into a bar with a good mindset, it becomes natural to perk up whenever you head out for a drink.
Drink with friends.
You need to have somebody around that you trust will let you know when they think you’ve had enough and keep you out of trouble. Equally important, surrounding yourself with people you like will put you in a better frame of mind than drinking by yourself or with people you don’t necessarily enjoy spending time with. It’s just more fun to be able to relax with friends and socialize. Let your hair hang down for a good time. You shouldn’t be drinking with judgmental types, anyway.
Leave work at work.
Don’t bring work to the bar, but bring your coworkers if you like them. Some of my best drinking partners are folks I met at work. That said, nothing irritates me quite as much as talking shop at the bar. Talk about sports. Talk about music. Talk about philosophy and solve all the world’s problems. Talk politics and sex and religion and race if you must, but don’t talk about work (this does NOT include office gossip, which is completely appropriate in the context of a bar). Similarly, don’t talk about drinking at work, except to make plans for where and when.
Be a regular and a tip very well.
If you plan to spend a few hours drinking in a new bar, buy a round for yourself and whoever’s with you when you first get there, and give the bartender a ten dollar tip. Flip the bartender a five every other time you buy a round. Bartenders appreciate good drunks like nobody else and will reward your generosity in ways that go far beyond the excellent service you will receive. A good bartender is a better friend than practically anybody else in the whole world. Want the scoop on the quiet pretty girl (or guy) in the corner? The bartender knows. Need a ride? The bartender will call you a cab or take you home himself (or herself). Need an instant cache of name recognition respect for any reason? Show up with your boss, paramour, etc., and let the bartender make you look like a rockstar. Lousy tippers=lousy drunks. Once you’re a “regular,” the need to tip outrageously disappears, but you should always tip well, no matter what. Show your appreciation for a job well done.
Drink in familiar surroundings.
Get to know your neighborhood. Drink locally. Get to know the folks and the streets where you drink. Again, this is going to do nothing but help you relax and have good drunks. Try not to go to a strange new bar alone — it’s just not fun. Go the the movies. Go to church. Go home and call your mom. Maybe even drink at home. Just try to avoid being the creepy solitary stranger that doesn’t know or talk to anybody.
Respect the bar.
No matter how well you know the bartender and your surroundings, understand that most people are NOT good drunks. Every bar fight starts with a verbal argument. Avoid them. You can kick back with your friends or coworkers or strangers for that matter and enjoy a lively debate over music, sports, television or anything else, but keep the discussion civil. Bad drunks don’t get this. If you find yourself ready to pound somebody’s face into a pulp, leave. If somebody accidentally bumps into you on their way to or from the bathroom, don’t overreact. Smile, pat them on the back and say “Hi.” Laugh it off. Trust the bartender to diffuse most of the minor confrontations that don’t involve you. Only help in that task if the bartender asks you specifically. If you cannot extricate yourself from a physical altercation, take it outside as discreetly as possible. When it’s done, apologize to the bartender and ask for an icepack if necessary. Clean up your own messes, and always remember that you’re there for a good time. If it’s not fun, it’s time to go.
